The highway orchestra

You know how an orchestra sits prepared to play. All instruments held up prepared to play. Waiting for the first swish of the conductors hand and as that swish comes the music begins. Sometimes it's like a slow crescendo as if you are walking slowly up a mountain side to see the sun set on the other side. Other times the music begins fast as in a state of panic, rushing up and down the scales in a meso forte.

Now as the music plays on the beauty begins to dance about the instruments, floating in between each other. Sometimes an instrument will exit and another will enter. Today as I drove to my parents for my brothers birthday I listened to the highway orchestra. They are not conducted by one single person, but by many working together although they don't know it. Some of the bass instruments moved slower along the highway and others like a piccolo zoomed by. The most beautiful part or the climax of the music was when I was in Syracuse and the cars passed in and out of lanes with grace. It was beautiful to watch, to listen to, and to be a part of.

Shout it out! God always comes through. I was having a down day and he led me right to it. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1 WOW that is really powerful. Its like looking at my students every day and having faith in my hope that they will have a good day and work to their full potential and be certain they will do great things with their life although I can not see the future. The same goes for getting my husband here. I need to have faith in my hope and be certain in what I do not see.

Waiting for an email from the NVC

Everything inside of me wants to scream out in agony. I want tears to run down my face, staining my cheeks and clothes. I want to pound my fists against the floor, the walls, against me, and yet something stops me. Is it a barrier of sanity? What do I fear from going to the other side? Is it rejection or worse complete loneliness? What does it matter? Friends, family, they offer comforting words that seem to bounce off me and yet pierce me with chills. Have faith. Trust God. Your husband will be here soon. Soon is so relative when you sit for six hours waiting to be married when you expected to wait one. I hate the word 'soon'. Hate is strong I know, but what else can I do when there is no one or nothing to despise, but a helpless word as 'soon'. If only I could truly unleash my fear, my anger, my sadness. I think I hold myself back, pretending to be strong. Wearing the mask of strength, when I don't even know what that mask looks like. I keep seeking something to have faith in when He has been by my side all the time. It's like looking for a mirror when it's right in front of you and not truly looking for fear of what you will see. I can't hide any longer and yet I am fearful. Everyday I go looking and everyday an empty box. It's as if you think by checking the empty cereal box everyday it will magically fill and you won't have to make the trip to the store. And yet some part of me hopes as I enter the easily memorized letters that the next step along this journey will be sitting there. Is my hope false? Is it possible that all the steps and all the money was a big sham? A way to take more money for a greedy government from an eager crowd. Is it possible that this list, a glorified list, as if you have been placed on the nice list for the rest of your life, does not exist? Maybe it is not a false hope, but a false placement of hope. Maybe it it time even in the pain and the difficulty of being, to look into the mirror, because maybe what I will find will not be a torn up, tear stained, insane girl, but a broken one surrounded by angels of hope, of love, of strength lifting her up.

Meaning

Mandisa, a famous christian artist wrote a song called Freedom song. It talks about all the pain and hardship we deal with in our lives, but that we should still see God. When we have been delivered "You Gotta Shout it Out." So here I am shouting it out. It might be joy, pain or anything in between.