Waiting for an email from the NVC

Everything inside of me wants to scream out in agony. I want tears to run down my face, staining my cheeks and clothes. I want to pound my fists against the floor, the walls, against me, and yet something stops me. Is it a barrier of sanity? What do I fear from going to the other side? Is it rejection or worse complete loneliness? What does it matter? Friends, family, they offer comforting words that seem to bounce off me and yet pierce me with chills. Have faith. Trust God. Your husband will be here soon. Soon is so relative when you sit for six hours waiting to be married when you expected to wait one. I hate the word 'soon'. Hate is strong I know, but what else can I do when there is no one or nothing to despise, but a helpless word as 'soon'. If only I could truly unleash my fear, my anger, my sadness. I think I hold myself back, pretending to be strong. Wearing the mask of strength, when I don't even know what that mask looks like. I keep seeking something to have faith in when He has been by my side all the time. It's like looking for a mirror when it's right in front of you and not truly looking for fear of what you will see. I can't hide any longer and yet I am fearful. Everyday I go looking and everyday an empty box. It's as if you think by checking the empty cereal box everyday it will magically fill and you won't have to make the trip to the store. And yet some part of me hopes as I enter the easily memorized letters that the next step along this journey will be sitting there. Is my hope false? Is it possible that all the steps and all the money was a big sham? A way to take more money for a greedy government from an eager crowd. Is it possible that this list, a glorified list, as if you have been placed on the nice list for the rest of your life, does not exist? Maybe it is not a false hope, but a false placement of hope. Maybe it it time even in the pain and the difficulty of being, to look into the mirror, because maybe what I will find will not be a torn up, tear stained, insane girl, but a broken one surrounded by angels of hope, of love, of strength lifting her up.